million thoughts in a single moment.

Well today started out bad. My father-n-law was helicoptered to Saginaw hospital because of blood in the brain. He fell on the ice this past Saturday and blood has been filling up in his head since. We are heading there hoping for the best, my husband and step son and myself will be staying with my sister and her man thank goodness for that, because some hotels are just gross.  Ok enough with the heavy, I am going to go back to my first post from last night, I felt very uneasy and anxious about it, don’t know if it was a good thing or not. Still don’t know, I still have mixed feelings about this whole thing but I am making a commitment to this. I want to make it a goal to start and continue it. Make it a routine part of my life. Routines are not an easy thing for me; schedules are very hard for me. The only thing that I do stick to is mornings I can wake up my oldest and get him his breakfast and get him ready for school and do all the necessaries but never in the same order.  When it comes to getting ready for bed, again never in any particular order but bedtime is at 7:30.   I try to have dinner ready by 5- 5:30 but that will last about a week but it’s a struggle. I just get side tracked and then I’m exhausted. I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect and get so frustrated with myself because I’m so far from it that it’s unreal. Here’s one of my million thoughts that you will hear…. People judge people from their imperfections or what they are jealous of or something stupid. I, on the other hand judge people from what I admire the most about them. I want to become the perfect person by having the qualities of all the people that I admire from all the people that I like. My ex mother in law very calm unconditional loving woman, she has like a  gravitational pull that makes you just fall in love with her, you just want to always be with her and you can just tell her anything and everything because she will not judge you, she’s an angel. I have a friend that so sweet candy can’t compare. But it’s also a weakness; she’s naive only because it’s the users and the abusers who take advantage of that. She would give you her last dollar and ask for nothing in return.  These are only 2 people who have moved me, there are more. But as I said I judge people differently, I look and observe for the finer qualities in good people which is far and few. This is probably why I don’t have very many close friends. In reality though would you rather have a bunch of friends or those few good one that you can really trust and count on with your life? Well this is all for now  I’ll write more later.