million thoughts in a single moment.

I am still sick, it still doesn’t make any bit of sense to me that I got the flu shot and like 4 days later I’m hit with it. I thought that if it was going to affect me that it would be within a 24-hour period. Geez talk about teased. Or maybe I still did get it threw my family since they were all sick with the flu. IDK all I know is that I feel like crap.  On a more serious note, on the way home from the trip with my husband this past weekend we got on the topic of people and (me). He told me that he sees that I have a sparkle in me and I said I used to. He also said that to him I have it always with him but I lose it when I’m around people that I do not know. My step mother said something similar like I’m not easily approachable. Well I define myself as a kind, sweet, honest person. I give way too much and expect nothing in return. I put 110% in a friendship/s. People that I do not know I try to help, I’ve done volunteer work working with the public and it feels great! But I also know exactly what they are talking about. When in a group or a crowd with a lot of people or even just a few that I’m not familiar with I tend to close up like a book and shut down. I stay silent and just look and listen. Well there are reasons for this, I feel like I can feel people judging me, by the way they look at me. A person’s body language says a lot. I actually feel like I’m almost automatically not given a fair chance to get to know me. I get those snobby looks and short conversations. I know that I may not always be right but most time I know that I already wasn’t given a chance. When a person comes into a new place I want to make them feel comfortable because you know they feel awkward already. There are also those who will do their best to keep a person feeling that way of awkwardness and uninvided. I think its rude. Sometimes I get so fed up with trying to put myself out there to get to know others because over half the time I’m disappointed. If I’m judged right away why would I want to be with these people in the first place? That’s not me. I want friends that I share same qualities with. It seems that its so hard to find a good person anymore, that its kind of depressing. I guess my big million dollar question still is why am I still alone when I am so giving and caring, and nonjudgmental? That’s a question that I feel ill never have answered.. I know who I am and a stuck up mean bitch is not one of them, so please stop pegging me as one.  

This as you know is number 11, idk if some of you follow but I skipped 10 but, it was written. I’m still debating whether or not to post it. Right now the thing on my mind other than this trip I’m about to take with my husband that I’m oh so looking forward to… is the fact that people here in the town that I live in can’t keep their dam mouths shut! Is it that hard to fucking turn your head if you see me? I guess so because once you see me you’ve got to report what you see and maybe embellish the truth to their standards. For those of you who need to know my every or anybody’s every waking move for that matter, shame on you. I’m also sorry for you because your life is so boring that you have to live to watch everyone else live theirs. Haha joke is also on those who listen to the gossip because in school we all have played telephone and have witnessed just how distorted the truth can get. Someone has always got to ruin someone. How often you hear of a person getting a promotion, or became an owner of something, or bought a puppy, something good? Not very often but everyone hears that so n so got fired, or went bankrupt, puppy died, or something as personal as a miscarriage, not mentioning or judging this person that told me this because it wasn’t gossip, but I heard of a person having a newborn taken away already! But I didn’t get on the phone or tell anyone else hey they person is having this done!. WTF is seriously wrong with people? The truth is no one but the individual knows the truth. So you’re wondering the reason for my furry? Let me see… because a girl can not go out two Saturdays in a row without being labeled a night owl!  Oh my goodness really? I was out with a girlfriend one Sat. and another Sat. it was a group of girls and some other friends. Can I ask why am I a night owl? Am I not allowed to get out of the house without asking the towns permission? Well too fucking bad because as far as I’m concerned the town can kiss my tan ass. Last time I checked I’m a grown ass woman and I’m allowed to have a life and I need permission from no one. My husband doesn’t really like hearing it either and says he doesn’t care what people think about him, but he wouldn’t have told me if it didn’t bother him I think. Next time someone wants to talk about me just remember I do tell my own stories thankyou very much, and mine are actually true, you know how I know? Because I live my life not you.

Ok due to the fact I’m on enough meds to tranquilize an elephant I’ll admit I’m not as clean every crevice and corner as I used to be. I’ve relaxed quite a bit in that department. Omg I’m sorry! But it’s not entirely all my fault! More than one person lives in this house last time I checked. So why are you going to yell at me about it? Oh that’s right, because I guess because I’m supposed to be responsible for 98.9999% of the fucking cleaning! Do you want to start this then I’m game. How about you actually make it a little bit easier for me and put your dam dirty clothes where the rest of the fucking dirty clothes are, so I don’t have to guess or just rewash clean clothes? How about you rinse off your dirty dishes every time you use one? Not just when they pile up? Why don’t you clean the fucking ring around the dam toilet bowl because I know I don’t fucking do it!  Fluff the fucking pillows every once in a while it takes two seconds of your precious time! I have an idea why don’t you put you clothes away when they are folded instead of collecting dust? I’m pissed! Blame me! Oh no buddy lets look at the part you play in this too. You say you work all day! Well what the fuck do I do exactly? I am gone one hour less then you! ONE HOUR!!!!!! The only time we actually do work together on something is when we cook together, but who cleans the mess the majority of the time, other than the nanny when I don’t get to it? Moving on to the next topic of discussion, why in the world do you have a problem with me going out with the girls? Your can go out with the guys and I say have fun see you later. But when I go out with the girls I can’t even touch my clothes without you even saying it’s too early! Or you saying don’t come home if you get guys numbers! I’m your wife! I do not deserve that! I will not tolerate that! I am a woman and will not be disrespected in the ways that you treat me. You are my husband and you really need to clean up your act! I asked you if I can go out with my sister and I get told that this is ridiculous, WHAT?? Really ? she is my sister!! And I can’t even go out with her without your attitude, and rude remarks. I’m tired of it! Tired! SO I’m home right now writing this and really ,really debating on what to do here. I am going to clean this house like the good wifey poo that I am, just to spite you, but other then that. Where do I go from here? DO I continue to take the shit or are you going to change?  Because this shit from you is not kosher anymore.

So today I burnt my face! My husband went back to work and my son went back to school. I went to school and it was another slow day, I did another students hair and later decided to curl my hair. I curled my hair and well I wasn’t paying attention and burnt my face! Ouch! I got upset and left to go shopping and got a pair of pants. I tried on several pairs of pants and what would you know, it was the last pair that actually fit! I got them and then went back to school. I was there something still on my mind bothering me but I can’t talk about it. It would get people in trouble but I will say it is bullshit. Anyways this upcoming weekend is going to be awesome! It is going to be my husband and I going away for the night and most of the following day. I might even be going to see Canada for the first time! I’m so excited it’s a rare moment that he and I get a chance to have one on one time together. Dinner, hockey game without chasing the kids and shopping! Yay! I get to relax.  When I picked up my son today from school today they said that he was just about sleeping before they were about to go outside at the end of the day, lol. Well I wonder why, he’s been doing nothing but lying around doing nothing since Saturday. Over all hes had a good day though. I’m so proud of my son though, he’s been struggling with ADHD and school but these last few weeks he has just been so good and no office or getting sent home. The school he goes to works with him so well. Things are just so good right now and I don’t think I could ask for anything else to be blessed by. Sorry so short.

Ok this is number 2 try on writing this blog. My dang laptop turned off by itself and did not save my work! This is a shame because I had a pretty good story going on. Well here goes nothing and I’m going to try again and I swear if it happens again this laptop might meet the wall. As some of my readers know, I did not get to post yesterday, but that is because I have been dealing with the flu in my house. Mainly with my eldest son and newly my husband as of yesterday. Nikolai has been a pretty good sport about the whole thing considering he’s been dealing with it since Saturday and it’s now Tuesday. My husband on the other hand, not so much. It’s been hell since yesterday when he came home from work. The constant whining I’m cold, my body hurts, I’m dying, my clothes are scrunched up under me, the blankets are all messed up! This was also all through the middle of the night! I don’t even think that I made it 45 minutes without him grumbling about something. So I am pretty tired by the way but I do have something planned since it’s Valentine’s day and the boys are sick. Since I am in somewhat healthy condition and do not have the flu I went to school. My day started off on the wrong foot yuk. The one customer we got for the day ended up having to come to me first and she had the poorest hygiene I’ve ever smelt in my entire life! I as she was telling me what she wanted I heard nothing, just smelt the person instead. I told the instructor I could not do it and he insisted that I could and the lady just thought that I did not know what I was doing. So It just worked in my favor because he had to come and ended up taking over in the end and I just stood back. Lost out on 5 bucks but oh well and the worst part was she was a nurse! I’m going to put money on it and say retired being that she came back in not knowing she was wearing both her hearing aids. Well my day only gets better when I had to go to my appointment and it was one of those where it’s pretty personal and uncomfortable so why add extra stress? I had to drink 36oz or so like 90 minutes before my appointment without going pee, and I already have the bladder the size of a grain of rice. It was @ 1:45 and I wasn’t seen until 2:10! I was like walking sideways by the time they called me. Moving on it was a man that called me which made me more uncomfortable, until he took me into a room with a woman. I was like yay! Then I find out she was a student! Then I was like NO! Now 2 people are going to be getting to know my personal area! So where this appointment is supposed to take like 20 minutes or so, it ended up like taking like an hour and to make matters more weird I ended up falling asleep! Really? Who falls asleep? But like I said before my husband kept me up all night I couldn’t help it. But it was kind of awkward. Well After my totally uncomfortable appointment which I have no other words for and hope I never see them in public ever. I went home and started my very first made from scratch no measurements chicken and vegetable soup! Which turned out to be superb! My husband loved it and I was extremely proud of myself. Believe it or not but I’ve come along way when it comes to touching raw chicken! Or meat period. I believe this is the second time I’ve cooked chicken like deboning it and everything! Dang I’m good. So I hope everyone had a good Valentines Day and or just had a good day period.